Umm I'm too high to move.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
