Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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