I can text with my tongue
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
accomplished twins. life is a go
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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