He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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