so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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