my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
