I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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