I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She bit a glass in half.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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