i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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