No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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