batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
