I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
