I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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