Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize