First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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