ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
