woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This baby is an asshole
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
