Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
