What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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