Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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