She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
