Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
