I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
