If i come over, it means nothing
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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