so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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