i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize