Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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