My cat gives me a boner
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
