He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
