omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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