My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
