btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
