There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Gay?
German.
Pity.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
