I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
