i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
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