are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
