i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
