I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Randomize
