he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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