I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
