If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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