My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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