Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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