I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
