the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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