Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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