Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
They are going to name an STD after you.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize