Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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