my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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