dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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