Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
