Why are handjobs necessary in class?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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