RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
