shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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