can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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