there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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